1. The Incher Upper: This is the kind of person who when you are standing by the door inches up to your face and even steps on your toes because the next stop is theirs and they want to be ready to bolt out the door. I mean, back the fuck up. You will get off the train, I will move to let you out, just get yourself off of me. They usually start doing this when the train isn't even nearly at the stop yet, and inch closer and closer so when the doors finally open if you let them they will be kissing your chin.
2. The Rustler: This person could become an Incher Upper and generally acts at the same time. This person will be sitting down and as the train begins to move again is already jumping up and pushing through all of the people, stepping on anything and everything like their life depends on getting to the door all while the train is moving. Motion on the train usually means their steps will be misguided and 99% of the time land on your well polished shoes. Once they get near the door, the may evolve into the Incher Upper.
3. The Backpacker: This is the person that occupies as much space as three people with their giant backpack. They generally stand and are usually reading something and are totally unaware people are trying to get by their enormous backpack. They will usually turn at some point knocking into people giving them dirty looks for not minding their books behind them. When the Backpacker happens to be a Rustler and later evolve into an Incher Upper you will want to die. Hope that you are not holding coffee. I have noticed this person to generally be late teens to early 30's, be either some sort of pseudo-intellectual, European, a person with asperger's, or (and also not as offending) child going to school. I mean I am against anybody wearing a backpack who is out of high school, or unless they are hiking or something, but let us not make this into a "style" conversation. The Backpacker tends to also show up at very crowded bars with the same cluelessness that everybody hates them.
4. The Pole Dancer: This is the dickweed that hugs, or leans on the pole rendering it unusable for support by anybody else on the train. This is pure self-centered behavior and a lack of respect for fellow passengers. If I could get away with it I would kick them in the face. I mean, I should suffer not having anything to hold onto so this lazy, disrespectful prick can lean on the pole? I don't think so. I generally grab the pole and dig my knuckles right into them. Works every time. They move immediately.
5. The Delta Crasher: This is the person who stands right at the door, however doesn't either step off of the train, or move to let people on or off. Another disrespectful asshole. I would kick them in the back, or chest if I could get away with it, however if trying to funnel past them is way too difficult because of the amount of people I plow right through them. Fuck em'. When there are two of them on both sides the double clothesline works best. I must admit going to work I try my best to stand by the door, only because my hands are full and I cannot hold onto anything. If I can hold onto a pole I don't stand near the door. Also, I step off the train to let people on and off because I am such a nice person. I hate the people who see that you are struggling because you have no free hands, yet stand leaning against the door with their arms folded looking at you. They are the Delta Crashers of the worst kind.
6. The Dasher: This is the person that no matter how many people are on the train, or where they are standing if they see a seat open up they dash for it stepping on animals, children, old people and anything to get that seat. My girlfriend notes that she usually sees older Chinese men being Dashers. It is a broad generalization, however she is not the one to make these kinds of generalizations normally, so I cannot confirm or deny.
7. The Sneaker: This is the person that comes into your subway car from the car either in front or behind while the train is moving. You are not supposed to do this, it is dangerous and pointless. When the train stops just switch cars. I have also noticed that this person is usually black for some reason.
8. The Walker: This is the person that while the train is moving decides that they don't like where they are standing so they will weave and push their way to the other side of the train. There is rarely a clear reason for this. If they think the exit to the platform is closer to one side, just walk on the platform rather than inconveniencing people on the train. This person sometimes is also a Sneaker.
9. The Lazy Biker: This is the person who occupies a ton of space with their bicycle. I mean ride your fucking bicycle and get off the subway.
10. Supermom: This can either be a man, or a woman, or a couple. They have a stroller and take up all of this room and look at you like you are supposed to see to their every subway whim because they have a stroller, and one or two other children. The kids are generally crazy, eratic stepping is a hazard for the shoes and they are loud. I mean, I should suffer because you had a bunch of kids? I also love it when they can't control any of the kids. I feel like saying to them, "why don't you have a few more?"
